Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Botany good plants lately?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Hot hot hot 🥵