This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
How can I say no to this ?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
good for her
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon