*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out