I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
You Might Also Like
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
she has a point
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.