Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Safety first
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it