I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.