Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district