asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
This made me chuckle cuz mood
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.