Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
very niche meme I made
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa