Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
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saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
this is the news I live for
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.