As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat