How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.