If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Traveler’s camo
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.