Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
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Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
The Compass
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Body by cheese-puffs.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄