[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My dating profile:
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him