Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud