When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“We will wed,” I threatened
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.