All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
man i love columbo
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.