So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*updates tinder bio*
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.