When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.