Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
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Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says