Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You Might Also Like
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.