Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
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[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”