“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
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The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
When can I start eating bats again.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.