Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.