*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak