gentlemen, hear me out
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
IT’S-A ME,
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.