You Might Also Like
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Extremely relatable.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved