Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Don’t snitch tag.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.