Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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Oh my God.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.