*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
where the womens at?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.