At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me trying to walk in a dream
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.