I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
You better watch out
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.