If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
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cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Me irl
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana