What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Breaking news:
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤