[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Dietest Coke
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em