One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
You Might Also Like
When you can’t find your friend Neil
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me if I was a dog
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
that’s really how it is
Batman v Dracula
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?