a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin