Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Well, this explains it:
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.