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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
wtf management?!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.