Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what