Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.