If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same