‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
i wish we could shoplift online
This will teach them to underestimate me
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.