I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]