Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
When libraries troll their patrons.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.