I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
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*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.