Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
You Might Also Like
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
incredible book dedication
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Who knew!
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.