Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
So that’s what we looked like?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice