Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle